My Ex was so…nice…when he dumped me. Why? This is not the time to be nice.
Why do people do this? If you are going to break up with someone, then surely you should be at your grumpy, awkward, bad tempered, worst.
What I do not need at this time are platitudes. If I’m that bloody marvellous then why are you leaving me?
If it’s really nothing to do with me, and it is actually you…….. then get some sodding therapy, sort it out, and we can be happy ever after again.
But that’s never really the case is it? Below are some of my amateur translations. What my Ex said and what he really meant.
- IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME – I think I can probably find someone better.
- YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME – I think I can definitely find someone better.
- MY HEAD’S ALL OVER THE PLACE AT THE MOMENT – I fancy all your friends.
- PLEASE DON’T CRY, I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY – I’m bored now and I’d quite like to go to the pub.
- WE’LL STAY BEST FRIENDS – I’m going to delete you off Facebook, Twitter, and ignore your calls.
- I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER –I really, really, really, really, don’t fancy you any more.
- STOP CLINGING ONTO MY ARM – Erm…stop clinging onto my arm.
But then who knows. Maybe he was completely sincere…..
Let me know if you’ve ever received any rubbish platitudes. I’ll publish the best ones.
Big love Evie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
PS Am starting to realise the top things I hate about my Ex aren’t particularly vitriolic. Must try harder!
They say there’s a fine line between love and hate. Well my music taste seems to have disappeared into the thin crevasse separating the two.
One of the things I hate about my Ex is he appears to have stolen my musical integrity when he left (along with a few of my CDs) and I didn’t have much to start with (that applies to both the integrity and the music collection).
My current top ten sing along songs (please don’t look down on me) are as follows;
- 10) POLICE – EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE Slightly stalkerish. Which worries me.
- 9) ABBA – KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU Aha…. Definitely the Abba version. Not Alan Partridge.
- 8) CHER – I BELIEVE Yup I know. Just kill me now.
- 7) HUMAN LEAGUE – DON’T YOU WANT ME He obviously doesn’t, but my not so subconscious is still posing the question.
- 6) DOLLY PARTON – I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU When singing along with this tune it always seems easier to go with Dolly’s country twang than with Whitney’s impressive wailing.
- 5) STEPS – TRAGEDY Never has a song been more aptly titled. My brain doesn’t even have the self esteem to go with the Bee Gees version.
- 4) NO DOUBT – DON’T SPEAK I actually like this one. I’d just rather not have it referenced in mind forever to my Ex.
- 3) KELIS – CAUGHT OUT THERE Now this one is like free therapy. Altogether now ‘I hate you so much right now’. See better already.
- 2) SINEAD O’CONNOR – NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU Ok, combine a rendition of this with a few glasses of wine and it’s an optical flood.
- 1) ADELE – 21 The entire album! I now know all the lyrics. Backwards.
I think I need to stop the amateur karaoke before I drive myself bonkers.
If you have any suggestions of breakup songs for me to listen to, please let me know!
Big love Evie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
He lives local.
Which is kinda nice in the “we’ll get back together eventually fantasy”. But everyone. Including my Gran. Has told me this is never, ever, ever, gonna happen. They think they’re being helpful. I think they are pessimists.
Him living nearby is not such a good thing now that my breakup haircut has gone frizzy enough for local wildlife to nest in.
If I bump into Richard in the next, hmmmm, lets say 18 months, I will have to dive under the nearest park bench, static piece of foliage, or moving vehicle. Looking on the bright side at least I know the bad hair did not cause the break up.
A blackbird has just paused outside my kitchen window. And I’m sure he was looking covetously at my hair. My head officially resembles a bird’s home. Marvellous.
This week has to get better! Big love Evie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx
And now I look like a boy.
I told the hairdresser I wanted a new look. And that I trusted her. Why? What the hell possessed me. You should never trust anyone with scissors pointing at your head.
On the plus side today is the first day I genuinely do not want to bump into Richard. Not that he would recognise me post follicular massacre.
On the downside the haircut and some suspiciously ginger highlights has robbed me of £90. And then I tipped. Of course I tipped. Every girl tips after a shit haircut.
I’m going to buy a hat tomorrow. And a coat with a big hood. And possibly a wig. Thank God it’s winter.
Big Love, Evie XXXXX
Hmmm, how about he’s my Ex. When I’d probably still rather wish he wasn’t.
The trouble is I’ve still not mustered up the self esteem, or sanity, to hate him yet. Which at the moment would be very helpful.
It would at least potentially stop me from eating so many bloody crisps all the time. And I’ve started on the Christmas After Eights already.
I’ve written this blog under a pseudonym. But I’ve used his surname. Well he used to tell me it’d be my name one day!
Is that unhinged? Answers on a postcard.
My name is Evie Jordan. Recently single. You see that sounds so much better than recently dumped!
So far I’ve tried, overeating, under eating, crying, immersing myself in work, overeating again and boring friends stupid with tales of the Ex.
This is new. This is my recovery blog. Please get in touch if you have any advice or stories of your own. Misery loves company. And cake.
Big Love to all the single ladies.