I’ve been told getting back on the dating scene is like riding a bike.
This was by someone who is happily married. So I suspect they are lying to make me feel a little less like running away to join a Convent.
Besides I haven’t been on a bicycle for over ten years. And I think it is possible I’ve forgotten how to ride a bike.
I am 100% certain I have forgotten how to behave on a date. So the “friend” in question has set me up on a blind date. They are currently an ex friend. Unless of course the mystery gentleman in question turns out to be George Clooney. In which case she can be maid of honour when we get married on his yacht.
Apparently I’ll like the blind date guy as he’s mature, but doesn’t have any baggage. He’s a real family guy, and a keen musician.
What I have deduced from this is that;
MATURE = He’s old, possibly balding, own teeth questionable. Hip replacement imminent.
NO BAGGAGE = Either a player or a loser. Most people have baggage, even if it’s just joint custody of a fish.
FAMILY GUY = Still lives with his Mother.
KEEN MUSICIAN = Jobless.
I have requested a pre date preview via the wonders of Facebook. Apparently he doesn’t have a Facebook account. He must be really mature. But how the heck am I supposed to
Facebook stalk check someone out, if they don’t have a Facebook account? I have been shown a tiny thumbnail photo of him, but alas this photo does not resemble the Clooney.
In truth, I think he will probably be a borderline normal human being. And my friend has reassured me that he isn’t ancient, that he’s ok looking, and that he does have a job, doing “something in IT”.
I’m just bloody terrified of going on a date. I haven’t been out with anyone since my split with Richard. And to be honest I was quite happy with that. I had even considered giving up on men completely, and getting a shit load of kittens from a rescue centre instead.
I’ll let you know how the date goes. If we get on like a house of fire and decide to elope to Vegas, then you’re all invited. Wish me luck!
My friend Rebecca had a doozy of a “misunderstanding” with her boyfriend at the weekend, which naturally we dissected over many hours and too much wine. Whilst mulling over his (way too) familiar mismanagement of her emotions, I couldn’t help but think that a user guide would be helpful to men who’d prefer to successfully date a woman without thinking she’s totally mental. What women say and what they really mean…. so here goes with a few of the basics*.
- “DO I LOOK GOOD IN THIS?” – Ok, so you guys may not care what clothes your girlfriend/wife chooses. I mean really not care. We could probably go out dressed in a piece of old carpet and jelly shoes if it means you get to leave the house on time. But shrugging and emitting a noise similar to “Meh” will not get a female out of the house any faster. This is the time to fake a little enthusiasm. A big “wow, you look great” will get you to the pub way quicker. Unless we have spinach in our teeth. Always mention the spinach thing.
- “DO YOU THINK SHE’S ATTRACTIVE?” – Aaaargh. Answer with caution. This is a trick question, a verbal land mine. Never admit to finding anyone else “hot” whilst in a relationship, least of all a close female friend. As a guiding principle, the less time you’re likely to spend with the woman in question, the more flattering you can be. After all, chances of you running off with Beyonce are slim to middling (I’m being kind here). Best response, if pushed, is “she’s ok, but not my type”. That generally diffuses the bomb.
- “NO, REALLY, I DON’T WANT ANYTHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY”- It’s a lie. What we’re trying to say, is that if you knew us as well as we want you to, you’d be able to psychically guess that we want a miniature pony, diamond bracelet, weekend in Paris, that emerald encrusted gecko wall art we saw in the local art gallery. But if in doubt just buy us something pretty. And not noticeably cheap. And for God’s sake wrap it. And not in newspaper. And yes, a card is required too.
- SILENCE – Silence is a generally a bad thing. A very bad thing. Most guys seem to like silence, you think we’re giving you a little space to watch sport in peace. But women aren’t naturally programmed to be quiet. Most of us like to chatter. If we aren’t chattering at you you’ve done something wrong. You know that little comment we couldn’t possibly take offence to? We took offence. If you want us to be quiet without an agenda, take us to the cinema. Or feed us.
- “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME” – Ok this one is normally our bad. We know, deep down, that the first time we told you what was wrong with our day/life/career/hair that you possibly did listen. Where you’re falling down is by not letting us recount the same information in slightly different formats, for the next three hours. Chances are you’ve probably offered some perfectly sensible advice, and expected us to move on. This is the thing. We don’t want our problems solving. We don’t want to move on. We just want to talk. A lot. If in doubt grab a beer, try to look sympathetic, nod a bit, and hope we book an evening out soon with our “non hot” girlfriends. Do not stare at your iPhone or the TV, it will only start the Silence thing off again.
Aargh now after all that I miss my Ex again. This post reminds me of him rather a lot.
If you can think of any more please let me know.
Big Love Evie XXXX
*Of course I can’t speak for all women. Just the lovely (wonderfully bonkers) ones I’ve been lucky enough to meet in my lifetime.