Does everyone have fun with their family? I don’t mean the go-karting, ski-ing, board game, variety. I mean the mess with your head, make you wonder if they even like you variety. I know my Mother means well….but….seriously…
This is pretty much how I remember it….
SCENE: MUM’S KITCHEN – EVENING
ME: Are you meditating?
MUM: I was just thinking how lovely it would be if someone liked you.
ME: (smiling) You like me! Plenty of people like me.
MUM: I have to like you, you’re my daughter….. No I mean it’d be nice if you had a man to look after you.
ME: (frowning) I’m not sure I need looking after. I’m not a gerbil.
MUM: It just worries me that no one wants to be with you.
ME: Hang on…. where does the “no one” bit come from? Last time I checked I’d hardly been auditioning.
MUM: That’s the problem with your generation. Too picky.
ME: I’m not picky…Richard split up with me.
MUM: I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about you by this age.
ME: What’s wrong with my age?
MUM (sad face): Ahhhh…..
ME: But you hated Richard!
MUM: Yes but if he was the best you were going to get then I think I miss him. Besides he was very good at fixing my car.
ME: (Jaw dropping silence)
MUM: Don’t stand there with your mouth open Evie. You’ll catch flies.
I tried to conjure up some feminist independent statement. But my Mum distracted me with a piece of carrot cake, so we left the conversation as it was. MUM 1 v EVIE 0.
On the plus side I’ve realised that all I need to do to keep my Mother happy is to date a mechanic. Simple!
Feel free to share any epic bits of family advice/criticism that’s been bestowed/forced your way!
My friend Rebecca had a doozy of a “misunderstanding” with her boyfriend at the weekend, which naturally we dissected over many hours and too much wine. Whilst mulling over his (way too) familiar mismanagement of her emotions, I couldn’t help but think that a user guide would be helpful to men who’d prefer to successfully date a woman without thinking she’s totally mental. What women say and what they really mean…. so here goes with a few of the basics*.
- “DO I LOOK GOOD IN THIS?” – Ok, so you guys may not care what clothes your girlfriend/wife chooses. I mean really not care. We could probably go out dressed in a piece of old carpet and jelly shoes if it means you get to leave the house on time. But shrugging and emitting a noise similar to “Meh” will not get a female out of the house any faster. This is the time to fake a little enthusiasm. A big “wow, you look great” will get you to the pub way quicker. Unless we have spinach in our teeth. Always mention the spinach thing.
- “DO YOU THINK SHE’S ATTRACTIVE?” – Aaaargh. Answer with caution. This is a trick question, a verbal land mine. Never admit to finding anyone else “hot” whilst in a relationship, least of all a close female friend. As a guiding principle, the less time you’re likely to spend with the woman in question, the more flattering you can be. After all, chances of you running off with Beyonce are slim to middling (I’m being kind here). Best response, if pushed, is “she’s ok, but not my type”. That generally diffuses the bomb.
- “NO, REALLY, I DON’T WANT ANYTHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY”- It’s a lie. What we’re trying to say, is that if you knew us as well as we want you to, you’d be able to psychically guess that we want a miniature pony, diamond bracelet, weekend in Paris, that emerald encrusted gecko wall art we saw in the local art gallery. But if in doubt just buy us something pretty. And not noticeably cheap. And for God’s sake wrap it. And not in newspaper. And yes, a card is required too.
- SILENCE – Silence is a generally a bad thing. A very bad thing. Most guys seem to like silence, you think we’re giving you a little space to watch sport in peace. But women aren’t naturally programmed to be quiet. Most of us like to chatter. If we aren’t chattering at you you’ve done something wrong. You know that little comment we couldn’t possibly take offence to? We took offence. If you want us to be quiet without an agenda, take us to the cinema. Or feed us.
- “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME” – Ok this one is normally our bad. We know, deep down, that the first time we told you what was wrong with our day/life/career/hair that you possibly did listen. Where you’re falling down is by not letting us recount the same information in slightly different formats, for the next three hours. Chances are you’ve probably offered some perfectly sensible advice, and expected us to move on. This is the thing. We don’t want our problems solving. We don’t want to move on. We just want to talk. A lot. If in doubt grab a beer, try to look sympathetic, nod a bit, and hope we book an evening out soon with our “non hot” girlfriends. Do not stare at your iPhone or the TV, it will only start the Silence thing off again.
Aargh now after all that I miss my Ex again. This post reminds me of him rather a lot.
If you can think of any more please let me know.
Big Love Evie XXXX
*Of course I can’t speak for all women. Just the lovely (wonderfully bonkers) ones I’ve been lucky enough to meet in my lifetime.