I went on my blind date at the weekend. And it’s official. I have forgotten how to interact with human beings of the male variety.
But I’m sure I can learn. I just need to produce my own manual on the appropriate etiquette. And learn some basic social skills. And eventually….. I’ll succeed in not looking like an absolute divvy when I’m out in public with a guy.
I wouldn’t mind, but I didn’t even fancy him. This is what I have learnt so far…..
- DON’T APPROACH THE FIRST LONELY LOOKING GUY STOOD AT THE BAR – It is possible he’s not your date. It’s also possible his girlfriend is going to come back from the ladies and give you death stares for the rest of the evening.
- TRY TO OBTAIN A RECENT PHOTO PRIOR TO THE DATE – See tip number one. Plus, if all you have seen is a rather tiny, out of date photo, you can’t help but be disappointed when he turns up with no hair.
- THINK OF CONVERSATION TOPICS IN ADVANCE – Saying err and erm a lot does not constitute stimulating conversation. Neither does tapping your fingers on the table and humming along to the background music.
- DON’T GET DRUNK TO EASE CONVERSATION – You just end up over sharing, then slurring, then finding yourself way too amusing. Not particularly attractive Evie.
- DON’T DISCUSS YOUR EX.
- OR HIS EX.
- OR POLITICS.
- OR THE KARDASHIANS. (That really didn’t go down too well.)
- DO SHOW AN ACTIVE INTEREST IN HIS HOBBIES – Just don’t suggest joining his tennis club on the first date. It’s not polite. It just makes you look like a stalker.
- DO ENSURE SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE – It’s important, for safety, that friends or family are informed of your date. But when they turn up and wave at you through the window it is perfectly acceptable to pretend you do not know who they are. Even if they are shouting your name and wolf whistling.
I doubt that the blind date guy and myself will be eloping to Vegas any time soon. But at least I didn’t cancel. And at least he didn’t cancel. And neither of us went to the toilets mid date and did a runner. Which are all great positives. Onwards and upwards! And I haven’t checked my Ex’s Facebook page for a whole week. Result! If you have any dating tips please share. I think I’m going to need all the advice I can get.
Did you know there are dedicated websites where you can actually sell your Ex’s stuff?!? Now I am assuming these sites are for people who have been left with something more valuable than a toothbrush and a Stone Roses CD, but I’m wary of delving too deeply into such things in case I get Ex envy. It’s bad enough having a significant Ex, without thinking that some other bastard could have bought you much nicer presents. For my last birthday Richard bought me a bra that was one size too small (I could never work out if that was a compliment or an insult) and a pair of knickers that were one size too large (which yes, I took as an insult). So I don’t really have anything of huge sentimental or monetary value to dispose of.
But seeing as I have almost/nearly/just about ish….got my head round the fact that we are potentially/ possibly/probably…. never ever getting back together (damn you Taylor Swift). I kinda need to work out what to do with/how to dispose of his stuff. My friend Gemma helpfully advised me that burning his things is probably out of the question, as I live in a smoke free zone, and I’ve missed bonfire night. And I’m not mental. But it’s been a few months now, and I think it’d make me feel better to shed his clutter.
I have enquired many times if he would like to collect these items, or have them delivered back to him by Fed Ex, but he does not seem inclined to coordinate schedules. Which is rather strange as I still had his favourite hat. And he loved that hat.
Anyhoo, I’ve separated his stuff into three piles, bin, keep, and charity shop.
BIN PILE: Toothbrush, Deodorant, Comb, Razor, 7 socks, 4 pair underpants, small bra & large pants gift set, football sticker books (yes that’s supposed to be plural), 2 t-shirts with suspicious looking holes in them.
CHARITY SHOP PILE: 2 t-shirts without holes in them. Stone Roses CD. Call Of Duty game. Large toy dinosaur. Lego. (in case you are wondering he was 29)
KEEP PILE: Scrabble, Valentines day cards, and Birthday cards. (Not quite ready for that purge just yet.)
Big Love EvieXXX
PS I was wearing Richard’s favourite hat last week. It is a rather nice stripy wool bobble hat. And it was cold. Our nice local Big Issue seller guy looked chilly. He now owns Richard’s hat. This makes me happy.
Much like diamonds, fast cars, and hot men, dignified indifference is something I admire. And like most things I admire, I do not possess any.
And so, I fear I may have thrown myself head first off the New Year’s resolution wagon, and into a giant muddy puddle of angst. Not only did I have a drink. (Only one drink, but it’s amazing how much wine you can fit into one large glass. Try it!) But I also checked my Ex’s Facebook page. Drunk Facebook curiosity was expressly forbidden. And now I know why…….
Because my Ex now has a “Facebook official” girlfriend. Proudly announced to the world with the flick of a status update. Technologically rubber stamped with the introduction of a recently cropped profile photo, showing their conjoined twin, smiley happy faces. My Ex and his new lady.
The girl I saw him with on New Years Eve has been promoted, from random festive grope, to timeline approved partner.
Epic. Just when I think I’m about to turn a corner, I do a bloody U turn instead.
So now the merry little head dance commences……If I looked more like her (devastatingly pretty) would we still be together? Why her not me? (Ok so I’m slightly in denial about the devastatingly pretty thing.) If I bleached my hair, got extensions, manicured, pedicured, didn’t eat for six months, and had extensive plastic surgery to look more like her, would he take me back? Would the bank give me a loan for the surgery? Would plastic surgery hurt? Would I end up with identity issues after surgery? Will he ever want me back? Will I ever not want him back? How do bees fly?
Way too many pointless, futile questions. I would quite like to switch my head off, quieten it down from its pointless rambling. Frankly I probably need a slap, but I have a low pain threshold and I bruise easily. Like a peach.
Hope your New Year’s resolutions are panning out a tad more successfully.
Big Love Evie
Current January Resolutions points tally 195 points ish.
There are many things I’ve never been particularly good at. Not necessarily in this order but…. Swingball, ice skating, catching anything spherical, hitting anything spherical (see reference to Swingball), swimming without inflatable assistance, and practising any form of self discipline….pretty much top the list. At this time of year I particularly hanker after the ability to exercise self discipline (I will work on the swimming, once again, in summer).
Soo….instead of banning myself from stuff, which never seems to work, I have decided upon a New Year’s resolution points system. I have chosen 5 things I really should give up in the New Year and have awarded points to each item. The points for each resolution vary depending on how detrimental/mental they are. (My best friend Gemma has acted as chief adjudicator on this one.)
Here is the list of the 2013 baddies;
- I MUST STOP
BORING MY FRIENDSTALKING TO MY FRIENDS ABOUT MY EX – 25 point penalty per comment.
- I MUST STOP LOOKING AT MY EX’S FACEBOOK PAGE – 10 point penalty per hit.
- I MUST NOT TEXT/CALL/WRITE LETTERS/OR SEND CARDS TO MY EX – 100 point penalty per time.
- I MUST NOT MAKE ANY ENQUIRIES INTO MY EX’S NEW LOVE LIFE – 50 point penalty per question.
- TO FACILITATE POINTS 1 TO 4, I MUST NOT GET DRUNK – 20 point penalty per alcoholic drink.
I will have a daily points tally and monthly one. At the end of Jan if I am below 200 points I can obviously trust myself to give up the points system. And Gemma can stop monitoring me. 200 – 300 points then the system rolls into Feb. However if I am over 300 points, I have to delete my Facebook account. Completely. As monitored by Gemma (my former best friend).
I can’t delete my Facebook account, it’s my
stalking lifeline social lifeline. So I am going to have to be good. I’ll let you know how it progresses. I know this is supposed to be good for me. But so is celery. And I don’t like that either.
Let me know how your New Year resolutions are panning out.
Big Love Evie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx
Current January Resolution Points Tally 10th Jan 95 points. Pah. Stupid points system.
- Ask the Experts: Why Do We Make New Year’s Resolutions (And How Can You Keep Yours This Year)? (cardhub.com)
- Resolutions (janegoodallcanadablog.org)
My name is Evie Jordan. Recently single. You see that sounds so much better than recently dumped!
So far I’ve tried, overeating, under eating, crying, immersing myself in work, overeating again and boring friends stupid with tales of the Ex.
This is new. This is my recovery blog. Please get in touch if you have any advice or stories of your own. Misery loves company. And cake.
Big Love to all the single ladies.