I’ve been told getting back on the dating scene is like riding a bike.
This was by someone who is happily married. So I suspect they are lying to make me feel a little less like running away to join a Convent.
Besides I haven’t been on a bicycle for over ten years. And I think it is possible I’ve forgotten how to ride a bike.
I am 100% certain I have forgotten how to behave on a date. So the “friend” in question has set me up on a blind date. They are currently an ex friend. Unless of course the mystery gentleman in question turns out to be George Clooney. In which case she can be maid of honour when we get married on his yacht.
Apparently I’ll like the blind date guy as he’s mature, but doesn’t have any baggage. He’s a real family guy, and a keen musician.
What I have deduced from this is that;
MATURE = He’s old, possibly balding, own teeth questionable. Hip replacement imminent.
NO BAGGAGE = Either a player or a loser. Most people have baggage, even if it’s just joint custody of a fish.
FAMILY GUY = Still lives with his Mother.
KEEN MUSICIAN = Jobless.
I have requested a pre date preview via the wonders of Facebook. Apparently he doesn’t have a Facebook account. He must be really mature. But how the heck am I supposed to
Facebook stalk check someone out, if they don’t have a Facebook account? I have been shown a tiny thumbnail photo of him, but alas this photo does not resemble the Clooney.
In truth, I think he will probably be a borderline normal human being. And my friend has reassured me that he isn’t ancient, that he’s ok looking, and that he does have a job, doing “something in IT”.
I’m just bloody terrified of going on a date. I haven’t been out with anyone since my split with Richard. And to be honest I was quite happy with that. I had even considered giving up on men completely, and getting a shit load of kittens from a rescue centre instead.
I’ll let you know how the date goes. If we get on like a house of fire and decide to elope to Vegas, then you’re all invited. Wish me luck!
I usually really look forward to weddings. Free food. Good cake. Pretty dresses. And the comedy drunk relative who offends the bride. What’s not to love? But I’m dreading the one I’m going to next weekend.
I was supposed to be there with my Ex. But I’m assuming he’s not coming with me now….. Although maybe I should text him just to make sure….? Anyhoo, I’ve conscientiously let the bride know that he ripped my heart out with a spoon. And she’s graciously given me till Saturday to find a new plus one, or I will be moved to the ‘single table’.
Ok so I’m just about capable of not getting sacked from work at present. Just. The thought of flirting up a storm to find some random fella to take to the wedding, is not only mortifying but also a smidge unlikely. I have enquired among my male friends to see if they would be prepared to be a gentlemanly escort, but there’s football on Saturday. And apparently men don’t like weddings as much as girls. Who knew?
Now, the single table…..Even my interest was piqued by that. Until I found out that the average age on the ‘single table’ is 14. Yes I’m being relegated to the kids’ table. My abject humiliation is now complete.
Plus the only person that I really know at the wedding is the bride. And she might be a bit too busy to have a catch up. Don’t think babysitting the broken hearted, seating plan wrecker, is on her agenda for some reason.
On the plus side, I just have a horrifically expensive hotel room to pay for, train tickets to procure, and a non ironic thoughtful wedding present to buy.
Big love Evie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
My Ex was so…nice…when he dumped me. Why? This is not the time to be nice.
Why do people do this? If you are going to break up with someone, then surely you should be at your grumpy, awkward, bad tempered, worst.
What I do not need at this time are platitudes. If I’m that bloody marvellous then why are you leaving me?
If it’s really nothing to do with me, and it is actually you…….. then get some sodding therapy, sort it out, and we can be happy ever after again.
But that’s never really the case is it? Below are some of my amateur translations. What my Ex said and what he really meant.
- IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME – I think I can probably find someone better.
- YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME – I think I can definitely find someone better.
- MY HEAD’S ALL OVER THE PLACE AT THE MOMENT – I fancy all your friends.
- PLEASE DON’T CRY, I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY – I’m bored now and I’d quite like to go to the pub.
- WE’LL STAY BEST FRIENDS – I’m going to delete you off Facebook, Twitter, and ignore your calls.
- I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER –I really, really, really, really, don’t fancy you any more.
- STOP CLINGING ONTO MY ARM – Erm…stop clinging onto my arm.
But then who knows. Maybe he was completely sincere…..
Let me know if you’ve ever received any rubbish platitudes. I’ll publish the best ones.
Big love Evie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
PS Am starting to realise the top things I hate about my Ex aren’t particularly vitriolic. Must try harder!
They say there’s a fine line between love and hate. Well my music taste seems to have disappeared into the thin crevasse separating the two.
One of the things I hate about my Ex is he appears to have stolen my musical integrity when he left (along with a few of my CDs) and I didn’t have much to start with (that applies to both the integrity and the music collection).
My current top ten sing along songs (please don’t look down on me) are as follows;
- 10) POLICE – EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE Slightly stalkerish. Which worries me.
- 9) ABBA – KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU Aha…. Definitely the Abba version. Not Alan Partridge.
- 8) CHER – I BELIEVE Yup I know. Just kill me now.
- 7) HUMAN LEAGUE – DON’T YOU WANT ME He obviously doesn’t, but my not so subconscious is still posing the question.
- 6) DOLLY PARTON – I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU When singing along with this tune it always seems easier to go with Dolly’s country twang than with Whitney’s impressive wailing.
- 5) STEPS – TRAGEDY Never has a song been more aptly titled. My brain doesn’t even have the self esteem to go with the Bee Gees version.
- 4) NO DOUBT – DON’T SPEAK I actually like this one. I’d just rather not have it referenced in mind forever to my Ex.
- 3) KELIS – CAUGHT OUT THERE Now this one is like free therapy. Altogether now ‘I hate you so much right now’. See better already.
- 2) SINEAD O’CONNOR – NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU Ok, combine a rendition of this with a few glasses of wine and it’s an optical flood.
- 1) ADELE – 21 The entire album! I now know all the lyrics. Backwards.
I think I need to stop the amateur karaoke before I drive myself bonkers.
If you have any suggestions of breakup songs for me to listen to, please let me know!
Big love Evie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
He lives local.
Which is kinda nice in the “we’ll get back together eventually fantasy”. But everyone. Including my Gran. Has told me this is never, ever, ever, gonna happen. They think they’re being helpful. I think they are pessimists.
Him living nearby is not such a good thing now that my breakup haircut has gone frizzy enough for local wildlife to nest in.
If I bump into Richard in the next, hmmmm, lets say 18 months, I will have to dive under the nearest park bench, static piece of foliage, or moving vehicle. Looking on the bright side at least I know the bad hair did not cause the break up.
A blackbird has just paused outside my kitchen window. And I’m sure he was looking covetously at my hair. My head officially resembles a bird’s home. Marvellous.
This week has to get better! Big love Evie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx
Hmmm, how about he’s my Ex. When I’d probably still rather wish he wasn’t.
The trouble is I’ve still not mustered up the self esteem, or sanity, to hate him yet. Which at the moment would be very helpful.
It would at least potentially stop me from eating so many bloody crisps all the time. And I’ve started on the Christmas After Eights already.
I’ve written this blog under a pseudonym. But I’ve used his surname. Well he used to tell me it’d be my name one day!
Is that unhinged? Answers on a postcard.