So this is what is has come down to. Brass tacks. I am selling myself on the internet. Not only that but I am apparently paying for the privilege. I have spent the past two weeks umming and erring over whether or not this is:
A) A bad idea
B) A stupid idea
C) Just plain desperate
My friend Gemma however has advised me that this is my only option. Non negotiable. She has pointed out that all my friends are in relationships and my only other arena for meeting men is my work place. Which is not going to happen.
I have pointed out that I don’t need a man, and I’m perfectly capable of replacing any romantic interest with many small kittens from the local rescue centre. (My cat is now eyeballing me with the intense distrust of an only child, who plans on keeping it that way.)
But apparently I’m not allowed to stay single. I didn’t realise this but according to society, if I am single, I must have something wrong with me. This is a revelation! What is so wrong with not wanting to share your bottle of wine in an evening? Why is it not ok to spend quality time doing whatever you want to do, without compromise? Why can I not just enjoy having complete control over the TV remote? Last time I checked being single hasn’t afforded me a personality transplant. So why does my Mother keep looking at me like I’m a little lost Dodo?
I’ll admit I like to have a grumble about my Ex every now and forever, but I’ll always complain about something. It’s in my nature. If I was ever one hundred percent happy I’d probably implode, which would inevitably start the grumbling cycle again. My perfect equilibrium is low level anxiety, peppered with mild dissatisfaction and a smidgen of neurosis. I’d love to be one of those zen, calm, yoga types, but even the thought makes my eyes roll with the knowledge I’d have to become vegan and wear Lycra.
Which brings me back to the dating profile. What the hell do I write? My highly tuned female intuition senses that describing myself as a single female, low level hypochondriac, who writes a blog about hating her ex boyfriend, and who owns one cat (at present), is not going to garner the results that Gemma is expecting. I can see I am going to need to work on this a little. I have a sinking feeling I am going to have to take up kite surfing, at least on paper. Either that or I’m going to have to find a really flattering photo and cross my fingers that my Ex never ever sees my profile. Wish me luck!
Big Love Evie XXX
Does everyone have fun with their family? I don’t mean the go-karting, ski-ing, board game, variety. I mean the mess with your head, make you wonder if they even like you variety. I know my Mother means well….but….seriously…
This is pretty much how I remember it….
SCENE: MUM’S KITCHEN – EVENING
ME: Are you meditating?
MUM: I was just thinking how lovely it would be if someone liked you.
ME: (smiling) You like me! Plenty of people like me.
MUM: I have to like you, you’re my daughter….. No I mean it’d be nice if you had a man to look after you.
ME: (frowning) I’m not sure I need looking after. I’m not a gerbil.
MUM: It just worries me that no one wants to be with you.
ME: Hang on…. where does the “no one” bit come from? Last time I checked I’d hardly been auditioning.
MUM: That’s the problem with your generation. Too picky.
ME: I’m not picky…Richard split up with me.
MUM: I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about you by this age.
ME: What’s wrong with my age?
MUM (sad face): Ahhhh…..
ME: But you hated Richard!
MUM: Yes but if he was the best you were going to get then I think I miss him. Besides he was very good at fixing my car.
ME: (Jaw dropping silence)
MUM: Don’t stand there with your mouth open Evie. You’ll catch flies.
I tried to conjure up some feminist independent statement. But my Mum distracted me with a piece of carrot cake, so we left the conversation as it was. MUM 1 v EVIE 0.
On the plus side I’ve realised that all I need to do to keep my Mother happy is to date a mechanic. Simple!
Feel free to share any epic bits of family advice/criticism that’s been bestowed/forced your way!
I went on my blind date at the weekend. And it’s official. I have forgotten how to interact with human beings of the male variety.
But I’m sure I can learn. I just need to produce my own manual on the appropriate etiquette. And learn some basic social skills. And eventually….. I’ll succeed in not looking like an absolute divvy when I’m out in public with a guy.
I wouldn’t mind, but I didn’t even fancy him. This is what I have learnt so far…..
- DON’T APPROACH THE FIRST LONELY LOOKING GUY STOOD AT THE BAR – It is possible he’s not your date. It’s also possible his girlfriend is going to come back from the ladies and give you death stares for the rest of the evening.
- TRY TO OBTAIN A RECENT PHOTO PRIOR TO THE DATE – See tip number one. Plus, if all you have seen is a rather tiny, out of date photo, you can’t help but be disappointed when he turns up with no hair.
- THINK OF CONVERSATION TOPICS IN ADVANCE – Saying err and erm a lot does not constitute stimulating conversation. Neither does tapping your fingers on the table and humming along to the background music.
- DON’T GET DRUNK TO EASE CONVERSATION – You just end up over sharing, then slurring, then finding yourself way too amusing. Not particularly attractive Evie.
- DON’T DISCUSS YOUR EX.
- OR HIS EX.
- OR POLITICS.
- OR THE KARDASHIANS. (That really didn’t go down too well.)
- DO SHOW AN ACTIVE INTEREST IN HIS HOBBIES – Just don’t suggest joining his tennis club on the first date. It’s not polite. It just makes you look like a stalker.
- DO ENSURE SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE – It’s important, for safety, that friends or family are informed of your date. But when they turn up and wave at you through the window it is perfectly acceptable to pretend you do not know who they are. Even if they are shouting your name and wolf whistling.
I doubt that the blind date guy and myself will be eloping to Vegas any time soon. But at least I didn’t cancel. And at least he didn’t cancel. And neither of us went to the toilets mid date and did a runner. Which are all great positives. Onwards and upwards! And I haven’t checked my Ex’s Facebook page for a whole week. Result! If you have any dating tips please share. I think I’m going to need all the advice I can get.
I’ve been told getting back on the dating scene is like riding a bike.
This was by someone who is happily married. So I suspect they are lying to make me feel a little less like running away to join a Convent.
Besides I haven’t been on a bicycle for over ten years. And I think it is possible I’ve forgotten how to ride a bike.
I am 100% certain I have forgotten how to behave on a date. So the “friend” in question has set me up on a blind date. They are currently an ex friend. Unless of course the mystery gentleman in question turns out to be George Clooney. In which case she can be maid of honour when we get married on his yacht.
Apparently I’ll like the blind date guy as he’s mature, but doesn’t have any baggage. He’s a real family guy, and a keen musician.
What I have deduced from this is that;
MATURE = He’s old, possibly balding, own teeth questionable. Hip replacement imminent.
NO BAGGAGE = Either a player or a loser. Most people have baggage, even if it’s just joint custody of a fish.
FAMILY GUY = Still lives with his Mother.
KEEN MUSICIAN = Jobless.
I have requested a pre date preview via the wonders of Facebook. Apparently he doesn’t have a Facebook account. He must be really mature. But how the heck am I supposed to
Facebook stalk check someone out, if they don’t have a Facebook account? I have been shown a tiny thumbnail photo of him, but alas this photo does not resemble the Clooney.
In truth, I think he will probably be a borderline normal human being. And my friend has reassured me that he isn’t ancient, that he’s ok looking, and that he does have a job, doing “something in IT”.
I’m just bloody terrified of going on a date. I haven’t been out with anyone since my split with Richard. And to be honest I was quite happy with that. I had even considered giving up on men completely, and getting a shit load of kittens from a rescue centre instead.
I’ll let you know how the date goes. If we get on like a house of fire and decide to elope to Vegas, then you’re all invited. Wish me luck!
Sooo…..the rules of Valentine’s day. A day loaded with ritual, expectation, disappointment, and over priced floral arrangements. I suppose sometimes rules need to be broken. But first here are some of my Valentine’s observations….
If in a
happy/pretending to be happy relationship;
- Enjoy a joyous, mid week, tres expensive, 3 course set dinner, dans le romantic restaurant.
- Try to look as wonderfully in love as the couple to the left of you. And to the right of you. And in front of you. Although the couple behind you are making you giggle, because you think they’ve had a row.
- Notice the food is below par but refuse to complain in case you spoil the mood.
- Drink pink fizzy wine. (Ok so most ladies I know love this stuff. But some guys would be happier with a beer, or a nice glass of full bodied red. Here’s a tip fellas. If your lady likes the pink fizz. Let her have the whole bottle to herself. Get yourself a beer and get lucky.)
- Swap dubious cards. Either too cute, or too gushy, or just too pink. I’m not being sour about the sentiment. (Well maybe a little!) But some of those cards should come with a government health warning for high sugar content. (*Disclaimer* I would like to point out that I reserve all rights to completely cherish any ridiculously sentimental cards I ever receive from someone I actually like.)
If not in a relationship;
Check to see what your Ex is doing on Facebook for ValentinesAargh. Nope. I’m over that one. Honest.
- Rent a film guaranteed to make you cry. Why? It’s a form of masochism. What part of your brain goes “Ok, today I might be slightly emotionally needy I’ll watch The Notebook.” Awesome work brain, awesome.
- Eat so much chocolate that you decide you need Overeaters Anonymous.
- Drink so much wine that you decide you need Alcoholics Anonymous.
- In a booze and sugar intoxicated state decide that a self help group might be a great place to meet a nice guy.
- Realise that you don’t have a nice guy. And will probably never ever meet one. Even a drunk obese nice guy, who requires extensive therapy.
- And watch the Notebook again.
Ok, so I can see a storm is brewing. So rather than weather the single cry fest alone I’ve organised a dinner party for friends. There’s strength in numbers, self pity seems to thrive on solitude. I think it eats it.
It’s my first dinner party since my break up so I’ve just got two friends coming over. Didn’t want to over challenge myself. Besides my other friends appear to be busy on the 14th.
(Ok so I’m ordering in Dominos pizza but the sentiment is the same. Besides I’ll hand out plates and napkins so it’s partially civilised.)
PS Any suggestions for films to watch would be greatly appreciated. Although am on a weepy free film diet on Thurs. Action, Sci Fi, or Horror only. (Am avoiding comedy as well as romance. Comedies always seem to have a love story in there somewhere!)
Did you know there are dedicated websites where you can actually sell your Ex’s stuff?!? Now I am assuming these sites are for people who have been left with something more valuable than a toothbrush and a Stone Roses CD, but I’m wary of delving too deeply into such things in case I get Ex envy. It’s bad enough having a significant Ex, without thinking that some other bastard could have bought you much nicer presents. For my last birthday Richard bought me a bra that was one size too small (I could never work out if that was a compliment or an insult) and a pair of knickers that were one size too large (which yes, I took as an insult). So I don’t really have anything of huge sentimental or monetary value to dispose of.
But seeing as I have almost/nearly/just about ish….got my head round the fact that we are potentially/ possibly/probably…. never ever getting back together (damn you Taylor Swift). I kinda need to work out what to do with/how to dispose of his stuff. My friend Gemma helpfully advised me that burning his things is probably out of the question, as I live in a smoke free zone, and I’ve missed bonfire night. And I’m not mental. But it’s been a few months now, and I think it’d make me feel better to shed his clutter.
I have enquired many times if he would like to collect these items, or have them delivered back to him by Fed Ex, but he does not seem inclined to coordinate schedules. Which is rather strange as I still had his favourite hat. And he loved that hat.
Anyhoo, I’ve separated his stuff into three piles, bin, keep, and charity shop.
BIN PILE: Toothbrush, Deodorant, Comb, Razor, 7 socks, 4 pair underpants, small bra & large pants gift set, football sticker books (yes that’s supposed to be plural), 2 t-shirts with suspicious looking holes in them.
CHARITY SHOP PILE: 2 t-shirts without holes in them. Stone Roses CD. Call Of Duty game. Large toy dinosaur. Lego. (in case you are wondering he was 29)
KEEP PILE: Scrabble, Valentines day cards, and Birthday cards. (Not quite ready for that purge just yet.)
Big Love EvieXXX
PS I was wearing Richard’s favourite hat last week. It is a rather nice stripy wool bobble hat. And it was cold. Our nice local Big Issue seller guy looked chilly. He now owns Richard’s hat. This makes me happy.